Smart Aleck Kids: Parental Success

I’ve decided to start a Quote Book of the stuff my stepsons say. I’ve been tempted to do this for a while, but didn’t want it to be like, “Aw, they’re so funny when they talk like big people!”  No. I would not subject anyone to that.

But I'm not above showing funny pictures. Gunnar (above) and Caleb (lounging seductively) in July of 2006

I think I’m a good judge of what’s funny. And now that they are older, the crap they say is legitimately funny. Like, witty and clever and not just funny-because-they’re-my-kids-funny.

For example, we all attended a wedding in September. It was very classy, with fancy place settings and whatnot. Each place setting had an empty champagne glass.

Well, they started out empty.

We all got settled and my 12-year-old stepson Caleb was fascinated with the fact that he had this champagne glass. He was convinced that the glasses meant only rich people were attending this wedding and he better fit in.

He then began talking in this droll, rich-guy voice: “So I says to the guy,” he said, waving around his champagne glass, “If you don’t have the money, then why buy the building?” (insert rich-guy laugh)

Because that's how fancy people talk. Apparently.

Gunnar, the 15 year old, loves to suddenly ask questions that would make any parent’s heart stop. Just yesterday he was pouring himself a drink in the kitchen when he asked out of the blue, “Do girls miss their period when they’re pregnant?” Eric and I both turned our heads to stare at him in horror.

“WHY ARE YOU ASKING THAT?” I demanded.

He went on to explain that a friend of his told him his girlfriend “was late twice.”

“Was late twice or missed her period two months in a row?” I asked.

“I don’t know.”

“Because if she was just late twice that’s no big deal, but if she missed her period two months in a row then, yeah, she’s probably pregnant.”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, who is this friend?” I persisted.

“Oh my gosh,” he said, exasperated. “You and Mom always have to know every little thing!”

“Because they’re women,” Eric said. After the initial shock wore off, he’d lost interest.

“Well, you always tell us something interesting and never have any follow-up information!” I complained.

I NEED TO KNOW.

Friday night he told a story about a kid from school who was giving him a hard time because Gunnar “only” had an iPod Touch and this kid had an iPad that he rubbed in everyone’s face. (Literally. I think.)

I made a face. “He sounds like a douche.”

Gunnar agreed. “He is. He kept saying how he could do all this stuff on a big screen and all I had to look at was this tiny screen.”

I was fuming. Seriously, who were his parents?

Gunnar continued, “So I told him, ‘I guess you would know all about tiny things, huh?’”

I snorted with laughter. I know I should be a responsible parent and tell him not to sink to the douchey kid’s level, but c’mon. That was a great comeback. Props to those who deserve it, ya’all!

I think they would agree with me.

So this kid’s reply to Gunnar’s comeback? “At least I get some.” Okay, kid. That’s why you’re constantly rubbing your iPad.

Gunnar shot back, “Family doesn’t count.”

I love it. I love that my stepsons are quick-witted and are genuinely funny, intelligent boys. And I love that neither of them would ever act like that douchey kid. They’re so much better than that. They totally deserve a quote book, right?

One last story: On the drive home from Eric’s dad’s house, Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” came on the radio.

Caleb: Turn it up. Turn it up.

He sang the whole beginning ballad perfectly, courtesy of Rock Band. But what came next happened because I am awesome and introduced both of them to the movie Wayne’s World when the boys were just wee ones.

When the famous opera section got close, Caleb said, “Okay, guys. I can’t sing this part by myself.”

Gunnar: Let’s do this.

And we thus proceeded to sing the entire opera section–complete with head banging at the end, obviously.

Caleb: We banged heads…as family.